Background

I moved to this current house when when the lockdown due to COVID-19 has just been a few weeks. One of the roommates in the new house had a medium sized aquarium with a pet turtle, a tiny little fella who mostly moved around and lay on the piece of log sometimes. I was fascinated to have a creature to simply look going about its life. No judgement involved no question of any social pressure, nothing!

But I always thought of if I would ever be able to touch it. Because as much as I had played with dirt in my childhood, I had not touched small slimey creatures as some of the other kids did. Other kids would take small frog tadpoles out of the water and put it back or the long strands of frog eggs or small species of fish that were there in the water. I mostly stayed away from such creatures.

Anyway, once the owner roommate was cleaning the aquarium, he left turtle to just wander around the room. The little amphibian creature was just crawling around leaving slimey trail. After he was done cleaning the aquarium he just picked up the turtle, caressed it and put it back in the fresh clean water aquarium. Well may be touching them is not as bad as it seems to me.

Just after about a week later, the roommate was away and the aquarium needed cleaning. The food was also finished and had to be fetched. I cleaned up the aquarium and put fresh water back and bought the food too. Doing so for a few times over the next couple of weeks brought out some sort of attachment towards the turtle.

But due to some dramatic turn of events the roommate had move out of the house and he would take the aquarium and turtle with him. Why wouldn't he, it was his little creature.

I wished to have my aquarium too.

Fishes in the house

I looked up few aquariums in the internet and was getting myself involved into getting an aquarium. Fortunately, a few weeks later I got offered a aquarium with a pair of fishes for free and I immediately jumped to get it. Few of my friends helped me to bring the aquarium over to my house. And finally there was a aquarium in the house with a couple of fishes.

I had not understood the amount of care one friend in particular was putting into handling the fishes. Turns out she had fishes of her own and knew a thing or two about taking care of fishes. We cleaned it and set it up.

I was excited to be able to watch the fishes just swim by.

Cleaning the aquarium

A few days later there was so much algae growing up on the bottom bed of small rock pebbles. I thought may be I did not know to to feed the fish and may be put too much food which settled to the bottom leading to growth of algae. I got a small jar with water and put a few drop of liquid which I was supposed to have put in water. Transferred over the fishes and cleaned the aquarium. I put the fishes back and it looked fantastic. I then dropped a few drop of liquid into the aquarium and everything was clean and nice back again.

Cleaning it the second time

This morning I got up had my breakfast and I thought about cleaning the aquarium again. It had been four days already the last time I cleaned it. I looked to the hole pierced jar and couldn't find. I assumed my roommate threw it off. I should have told her not to throw it off, she wasn't supposed to know what that jar was for. I took other jar without a lid, a tad bit bigger. I filled up the fresh tap water and brought it over to the table. I felt the water and I thought it was a bit warmer [mistake one??]. Then I transferred the fishes over and put a lid over the pot. I made sure that there was enough space to pass air in and out.

Confusion as to what was goin on

Then I took out the aquarium and gave it a thorough clean. But as I came with the filled aquarium of water I saw that the fishes were barely moving and I got worried. I immediately poured it back to the aquarium and they started jumping around I felt a little bit happy. And then I put in the liquid drops and they kept sluggishly moving, one less so than the other. I got worried and thought, may be its because of temperature, I got colder water and transferred them to colder water and poured the drop. By now they were almost immobile. I was confused about what to do. I called the friend who helped to bring over, who had fish in the past. She said may be I should put some salt in the water and see if they move, they didn't. And eventually I gave up.

Massive amount of guilt

I couldn't watch them just floating on the small jar and pured them back. One was hanging in the middle of the aquarium and one floated. It filled my heart with a massive amount of guilt. I should have been more careful about the temperature of the water in the first place. I should have saved the hole poked jar and talked about its importance. I should have called the friend immediately after they started sluggishly moving. I should have been quicker to clean the aquarium. So many things. The amount of guilt that I had over both of the dying isn't comparable to anything really. It wasn't like I saw my grandmother passing away. But the empathy and connection to the few days the fish and I were together didn't make it any easier.

I called my friend and told the story, almost crying. He said he had his fish dead few times in the past. I didn't just realize how delicate caring of fishes was. I consoled a little bit because I wasn't the only one who ever had a fish dead which they cared about.

Their disposal now

I am confused as to how to dispose them now. I feel it is wrong in so many level just to throw them in th trash. I know everyday a lot of people kill fishes, some for fun and some for trade, it feels completely different than seeing somebody catching fish to just eat it for a meal. I can't think of a proper way of disposing them.